Gender Differences

“Why can’t a woman be more like a man? ...
Why do they do everything their mothers do?
Why don't they grow up, well, like their father instead?”
– lyrics from My Fair Lady

On Dec 3, an article about shopping malls reminded me of a marriage counseling video that I saw fifteen years ago. The article is entitled “Male and Female Shopping Strategies Show Evolution at Work in the Mall” and addresses questions such as:

- Why can’t men distinguish a sage sock from a beige sock?
- Why can’t women tell if the shoe department is due north or west from the escalator?

The answers the authors say, can be traced back to ancient times when women gathered plant food and the men hunted for meat. The women needed a keen eye for detail while looking for the right plants; they had to be choosy and selective and patient while gathering. They had to pay attention to the growing season and know just the right time to pick a plant. The men on the other hand had to locate a herd animal, kill it, and get it back before it spoiled. They specialized in quick action and a good sense of direction.

“In modern terms, women are much more likely than men to know when a specific type of item will go on sale. Women also spend much more time choosing the perfect fabric, color and texture. Men, on the other hand, often have a specific item in mind and want to get in, get it and get out.”

This reminded me of the video “Love is a Decision” by marriage counselor, Dr. Gary Smalley. My wife and I enjoyed many of the talks in this series not long after we were married. Unfortunately, today I cannot find the video/DVD for sale on Smalley’s web site. Instead I found a paperback book written about the series and new lectures and seminars that I’ve not seen.

In the video, Dr. Smalley talked about the psychological differences between men and women. A successful couple accepts these differences and adjusts as opposed to Professor Henry Higgins in My Fair Lady who sings, “Why can’t a woman be more like a man?” I recall two of Smalley’s examples:

1. (On average) Women are nest builders and hate the thought of a dirty home. Before going on vacation (or even leaving the house) many women will wash dishes, vacuum, and do other house chores to avoid returning home to a dirty nest. Now that I’m aware of this I bite my tongue when my wife starts washing dishes when we’re late for a meeting like cub scouts.

2. (On average) Men are hunters and find mall browsing boring. The solution is to give the husband a goal, “Find me a red dress in my size for church/party/work”. Now the husband is motivated and will search the racks and stores for the prize sought. You may have to add some additional qualifiers so he doesn’t buy the first red dress found. I know for my wife that the dress must be washable (no rayon or silk), have short sleeves, modest neckline, no gathering bands, little to no sewn on jewelry/sequins, etc.

Bottom Line
Please keep in mind that the characteristics above are for men and women in general and that there are many who are exceptions. Regardless, a goal in any partnership should be to recognize and respect differences instead of fighting over them. To see the differences as strengths, not weaknesses.